priority: money.

to get lost in words, shut the world out. so tired.

i don't understand why can't we just live in our dysfunction? why must we sort everything out?

money triumphs over everything. for 20 years, i kept trying to defy this statement/concept. i've always believed that there was more to life than just cash, there's more to life than the material gains. prolly why i even chose to be studying social work even when it pays so lowly. but now i know, money can buy happiness. money can buy everything to please everyone. being rich is so much better. i'm so tired of pleasing you, of always being the one to mend back this broken relationship. people say a mother-daughter relationship was something that God gave so dearly. i'm sorry, i don't have that. i never had that. for 20 years i've been hoping for us to find it. but 20 years now, mummy, i give up. i give trying to please you, i give up trying to establish that relationship with you. mummy, i don't expect anything from you anymore. this time, i won't look back when i walk away, i won't regret the things i'm giving up here and now. mummy, i'm finally going to live for myself, i'm finally going to put myself first so you can't hurt me anymore. mummy, thank you for teaching me that money triumphs everything, that money speaks, that money is more important than health. i wish i could see that you cared about me, i really did. maybe in your own ways, but i never felt it. i just thought you should know. mummy, i promise to return every cent you spend on me, i promise, at least for now, besides money, i won't expect anything else from you. forgiveness? mummy, if you're looking for forgiveness, you won't find it here. i curse the day i was born, and i made a vow, a promise to myself, i'll try to forget my birthdate, not something to be celebrated, but to be mourned about. if money was so important to you, why did you have me? why didn't you plan in advance of the things you would have to sacrifice for me. why didn't you think of the consequences when you criticised my every thought/comment. why, why did things end up like this? why couldn't you show me more love? why couldn't you love me in a way i could understand? mummy, the things i don't say, don't mean i don't feel. i'm not emotionless as you'll like to think, i'm not. mummy, the moment when i walk out of the door, forget you've ever had a daughter like me. cause the only news you'll ever hear from me then is when i return you the money i've owed. i could count the times i was down cause of you, but happy? not really. i think, i think... it's time i let go of this relationship. mummy, i hope you're happy now, cause i think, i really think, i'll be happier. thank you for everything, even though it was so pretty. from this day on, when money becomes an issue, i'll just accept it. and when life becomes too hard to bear, i'll throw myself away. well, just thought you should know.

dear God, i don't want to be whole, thank You for trying. i figured i don't have to be whole to survive. so thank You.

love,
hannah

breathe again;

tonight's one of those nights, your heart hurts, your faith runs dry, and you just so much to wrap your arms around your knees and cry so so so hard. to cry for the hurts you've forgotten to exist. how much am i carrying? just how much have i not let go, have i buried in so deep. i'm out of breath, and someday i pray, i'll breathe again.

reading "Lord, I want to be whole" brought me back to the past that i didn't want to remember. instead of proceeding with the journal of the book, i slammed it shut, threw away the thoughts that were bubbling within me. who could say i wasn't alright? but it hurt, it really hurt. i wish i didn't start on it, cause it can't seem to stop, all these feelings, all the forgotten pain. i just want to breathe. want it all to go away. i'm not sure i'll make it through DEW, not sure at all. i've become so uncertain about You. stop, just let me breathe for awhile.

then it came to the roleplaying part in social work, and i realised the role i played, it was everything i felt back then. EVERYTHING. the pain, the rejection, the abandonment, the never good enough, the lack of attention, the need for someone to listen. the series of relationships, the stressors.. they came flooding back. even when tears threatened to fall, i laughed, laughed as though the acting was so awkward, when everything was real. everything within me, i haven't let go. what should i do now? where should i head to now?

gaining that distance from some friends you used to be so closed to, and that's what hurts most i guess. because you've invested so much time and effort into it, and some time along the way, you would expect them to be the same for you. but that's never true. expectations, disappointments. painful painful. life at its best, i guess. everything falls apart as all these come together. they forget you, they forget the moments, and it becomes nothing.

cause even the sane centre is driving me insane. when change comes, everything is overturned. escape.

i'll breathe again, in time to come, i would.

just.. where are You now? oh wait, i don't think i'm even deserving to ask of that question. right. sorry. rejection at its best, too.

love,
hannah

heart near empty;

i should prolly be using this time for sleeping instead of doing everything else that i'm doing now. but i'm just seriously, whole heartedly, really very very very tired. emotionally, physically and spiritually. even as i'm typing this, there's a choking back of tears that threatens to fall. i don't know how long it's been like this, but i really just want rest. i don't want to run around just giving.. giving just out of obligations, giving just out of head knowledge, giving, because of the position i'm in. i want to rest, i just want to be able to slow down, breathe, look around and see that the world's still as beautiful as it should be. i want to stop questioning myself when i wake up daily, why am i even waking up.

i know my purpose for life, i really do. i know i'm called to this mission field to heal hearts has been broken, to show God's healing and love through the process, though not explicitly sharing the gospel. but i just feel so tired. it's like i'm running on a routine, and i don't want to be. the one reason why i chose to respond cause i wanted something that is different daily, i wanted to be used.. just as i am. and i guess the ironic part is when God chooses to use you just as you are, you suddenly realise you wanna take back your response and you're left wondering why you even answered the call.

shrugs, i'm tired. i just need to.. rest.

love,
hannah

just the way you are;

evidently, i had no idea what to name this post, neither do i really know where this post is heading. but it's okay. we'll see what comes up.

okay, i lost my thoughts. it was something to do with growing up, now i just can't remember. so bye.

love,
hannah

her own fairytale;

this scene keeps playing in my mind, even though it doesn't mean anything to me. sometimes, i wish my love life was a drama, with its own happily ever afters. but fairytales don't exist, true love does.

-

Laughing with her group of friends under the blue skies, sharing little secrets, dancing to the tune inside her head. She was alive; right here, right now. Sunlight in her hair, reflecting different hues of brown, and blonde. There wasn't a care in the world - time was waiting for her, and she was aware of it. It was hers to keep, to give, to bask in and nothing else mattered. Like a child, she found her innocence, embedded and intertwined among her heartstrings. "Live, love, laugh", she thought to herself, "this is it! I've found it, after searching for forever!"

Yet, out of the blue, she found him, looking at her, speaking with eyes she thought she wouldn't see again. That longing, that overwhelming love she know he once had for her. Her mended heart with threads were coming loose, she was loosing her grip on life, losing the sound of laughter, the melody in her head turned to minor chords. Taken aback, she tried to stop that dam of emotions waiting to gush out. The emergency button was pushed, walls came up, guards placed right along the walls alert in defensive mode, wanting to see if they needed to go into offensive. Grabbed her bag, she started to turn away. "Walk away", she told herself, "walk away. It'll be okay." Three steps ahead and that familiar touch around her wrist stopped her straight.

"Stay", he whispered amongst the crowd, amongst her friends that were still rooted to where they were. "Stay, please. Listen to me, won't you?"

"Let go of me," she breathed, barely heard, "let go of me, let me go." Determined not to cry, not to look back to what she once had and lost, she swallowed that bubble of tears that were forcing their way up her throat and down her cheeks. Still, in her heart that silent voice whispered, "Don't, don't let me go. Don't forget the love we shared, don't!" But even as her heart pleaded with him in another realm, she felt the grip on her wrist loosen. She knew then, he wouldn't fight for her, as much as she wanted him to, he wouldn't see past her words to her heart.

She closed her eyes, said a little prayer and walked away with memories and tears. Because right there and then, she knew that was what she was going to carry with her.

And she whispered, "I love you, always had, always will."

-

hahah, not bad right? heheeh, dramas of my life. and no, it's not in relation to me, so don't think too much! busy week ahead! so.. kudos! :)

love,
hannah

held;

somewhere out there, i know now, a bigger world exist, a greater destiny awaits.

i'm gonna be just fine, with You by my side.

love,
hannah

heartstrings;

so i decided to take a little breather from trying to process so much SEA information. no idea what compelled me to take this mod. but.. oh well. oh, and read at your own discretion. it's prolly gonna be a long post of.. narcissism.

recently, i realised i like to have conversations with myself more often than i do with anyone else. somehow, being on my own (not eating meals alone though!) has become something that i'm really comfortable with. the lack of a company's presence/silence doesn't bother me as much as it did before. i've stopped talking so much, stopped trying to make people feel comfortable. these few days, i have conversations with myself, leave the awkward atmosphere hanging and close out the world around me. it feels as though there isn't a need for me to participate with what's around me, no need to drain my energy to speak, and all i wanna do is just keep silent in my thoughts. but i wonder how long that's sustainable :/ i mean, eventually, there'll come a time when i need to speak, to talk, about meaningless things, redundant, mindless conversations. and i question myself so frequently now, like, what am i thinking? why do i think the way i think? why do i feel the way i feel? hahah, maybe it's the social worker in me. maybe not.

so i told God i was tired today. i told Him i don't think i'll ever fulfill His destiny for me. i told Him i'm never gonna be a child that He can be proud of. and i asked, if i could just give up now. maybe i'm just not up for it. maybe i believed in a lie that i was made to be a conquerer, that this season was victory's call. i could feel Him knocking on the door of my heart, but i closed Him out. i closed Him out because i'm not sure i could bear His reply. but He left a note outside, saying, "I'll be waiting, always be waiting, with open arms." and i know somehow out there, He's still waiting. i should let Him in, shouldn't i? yet, i don't want to. i'm tired, really tired. notions of failure cloud my mind, and i'm not sure i'll even get passed it. to do my honours, get a scholarship.. all these were my heart's desire before entering uni, but now, where i am, i realised i can't. can't attain a single goal at all. even minoring in soci seems like such a far cry. i don't think i can make it, i don't think i'll ever succeed. no, i've come to a point of accepting it's no longer an issue with faith - that God is in control. rather, i've come to see, i'm just not made out for this.. for life. and i just have to be okay with that. i don't want to try to struggle with my goals anymore, admitting defeat seems such an easier task, a more attainable feat. perhaps then, i've always been destined to be a failure, to be a disappointment to the ones around me. yeah, just maybe. no, i don't think i'm sad, so don't try to comfort me. i'm just.. resigned.

so many doubts, so many insecurities, million of adequacies. no, don't quote me bible verses, i don't need it. don't tell me i'm more than who/what i believe myself to be, i don't need that either. what i need, is to be able to come to terms with myself, to accept myself for who i am - flawed. i'm not asking fro your sympathy, or your pity, for that matter. just a listening ear, to try to comprehend what i'm getting at, also, at my obvious imperfect logic that i'm trying to reason now. sigh. all these shall come to a standstill now. i'm.. tired? oh wells, i'm lacking for a better word, aren't i?

a part of me died in my childhood, i left it behind. and its name was probably 'innocence'. everything becomes complicated. i don't even remember how it's like to be young anymore.

secrets are intoxicating. moments don't happen twice. so you take your memories with you, and you leave the present behind.

love,
hannah

all that you are;

beautiful, broken and alive in my heart

i remember You once asked me, "if I call you, will you go?" i kept saying yes to You, thinking, that's the normal response others would give right? i mean, what, was i supposed to say no when i kept saying i wanted to be used? i never thought You'll send me though. there i was, having a spiritual life that fluctuates madly during the different seasons of my life. there were times i felt so dry i just wanted to give up. others, on a spiritual high i could just sing Your praises aloud and nothing mattered. but i realised now what it means to live for You, what it means to answer Your call wholeheartedly - despite and in spite of my situations, my emotions and my inadequacies, to know full well You're in control and continue to nurture and build the ones around me to live for You. i know now, that it takes more than time, it takes love, passion and that open heart to answer Your call. and as tiring as it may be, i just want to thank You, thank You for seeing the worth in me when i couldn't. thank You for never giving up on me even though there were times i was so close to giving up on You. thank You, for being You, for being the one true Love i could always count on.

even through this season, when i feel so down, when i feel so discouraged, so uncertain, so tired, i know You are here with me. i know when i'm ready to face my challenges, You'll be beside me and You'll say to me "take My hand, we'll walk through this together. remember, I always keep my promises - I will never leave you, nor forsake you." probably then, i'll be strong enough, brave enough and prepared to face my mountains and giants. perhaps then, most definitely, i'll conquer them.

& He saw me when He was on that cross;

love,

hannah

almost here;

and i fall down on my knees, offering all of me.

dear God, i need You now, need You strong, need You here, here with me. i'm so tired, i don't wanna go through this alone. afraid, am i ever gonna stop feeling afraid? failure, am i ever gonna stop feeling as if i'll fail in everything i do? take me by the hand, tell me it's okay, that everything's gonna be okay.

when i can't trace His hand, i'll find His heart.

love,

hannah

ebbed away;

times like this i think i need another crazy night, just to know i can breathe and that i'm still alive. just so i can sort through my emotions and schedule. but i know time doesn't allow for that, not right now. and when i can finally have a crazy night, i think.. i'll be alone.

on the side note, i have very exciting group mates! :) makes me happy, happy that people as crazy as me exists! hehehe!

off to bathe :)

everything's gonna be alright, alright

we're on the winning side

we have overcomed!

love,

hannah

trust vs distrust;

there i was again tonight,

forcing laughter faking smiles,

same old tired lonely place

i don't think i was particularly upset at the farewell yesterday. sad yes, but there was more than that. walking past people whose loved ones were going miles and miles away from them.. i wonder the mixed of emotions they felt, was it churning endlessly within them, did it hurt their tummies, yet knowing it doesn't change anything? what about the tears? as they stream down their faces, what did they mean? does it convey the message, "don't go, stay, please" to the ones going away?

but i think, whenever someone close to you leaves, they rip out a part of you you didn't know exist within you until it's gone, with them. then that hollow part of you, i wonder what will fill that void eventually. or will the void be filled only after that certain someone comes back and return that piece of you to you? i don't know. and hopefully i pray, i'll never have to know.

another thought - how far do you go to trust someone, let them in to your life, mess with your soul, and later have them pull back away even before your barriers can slam up, shut them out? the consequences of this act results in the same as a goodbye. it rips things within you you never realised existed. and i wonder why people do that. i wonder why people choose to trust someone else entirely only to have themselves torn apart at the end of it. i ask myself that do, and even with my issues of trust, i know i still let people in and have them walk away. and it hurts. it'll hurt, then it'll turn to anger & finally, you come to terms with it that you're just not that important for the person you naively choose to trust.

so let's do everyone a favor. if and when someone allows us into their lives, always remember it's a privilege, it's an honour, it's not something for you to play with. and if you figure having the person trust you is too much of a burden, don't prod too much in their lives. cause when they trust you, when they really trust you, every question you ask will be answered. even the deepest and most painful ones. so don't, don't just walk away at the end of the day.

so maybe that's why i was pissed last night. because even though i realised something changed within the week, i didn't know why. but now i see it so clearly, so surely.

but i'm okay, i'll always be okay.

have a great week ahead friends! :)

love,

hannah

fear;

times like these, i feel afraid. it's like the kind of fear that squeezes your heart, chokes you, and you just can't find a logical explanation for it, or when you're even feeling that way.

secretly regretting the mods i've chosen, not for sw, but the rest. :/ i cannot express just how much i hate group works. but it's okayyyyy, i'll get through it.

maybe it's just cause i'm feeling so sick that i just want to die :/

sigh

hannah

in between;

i'm not happy, but i'm not sad either. and i wonder if it's okay to feel like this all the time. yet, at the same time, you know something's missing. that empty void you just can't feel. you're okay with the things around you, you're okay with not feeling anything, but you're just not okay to know there's an emptiness that you have to try to live with. and the worse part? you don't know where that empty void is, or how to fill it. the people around you will say, "give it to God, He'll fill it up, you'll be empty no more". but that's the not the point. i just want to know where the void is, maybe, i have to know.

i thank God for this family, i still continuously do. but i wondered if i've dealt with my past issues that i've kept it hidden for so long. how do you know you've let it go fully? when your heart aches no more when you talk about it? no, i don't think that's ever gonna happen. for every incident, it leaves a mark, a memory, an experience. and you can't just forget that. you're still occasionally gonna feel the squeeze, and the tightness of your chest, the regrets, and the disappointments. you've just come to a point of accepting them, i guess? do you then consider that letting go? can i consider that as letting go?

the past few days have been great :) even remembering them brings a smile to my face and a tingly warmth to my heart. will i ever have those moments again in the days to come? i don't know. maybe then, i'll treasure these moments more, keep them close to my heart. because everytime when i go back to those moments, all of a sudden, nothing else matters. and that seems to be.. enough :)

but for now, where i am, i'm stuck in the in between. still, i'll find my way through them. the days ahead, it's only gonna get harder and i have to prepare myself for them, even though i don't want to. but i will. the can see many events filling up the slots in my organizer. it's strange, it feels exhilarating, yet, i know they're gonna leave me breathless and whiny, even cranky on certain days. but i want it, i want to go beyond myself, to feel the rush, the burn, the depletion. and even if i feel like death, i know i'll be alive. i'll survive. i'm not crazy, i'm just.. me.

i'm running away, and i know it. oh hell.

love,

hannah

寂寞寂寞就好；

很想问，即使才能回自己。以为我寂寞寂寞就好，原来着并不是我所以为的吧。

i wonder how long more i'll be running away. i'm amused by myself, in a strange kind of sense. it's not as if i'm not aware of the problem, or that what's wrong with me. but rather, knowing what is wrong and being too afraid and tired to confront it seems like a totally different thing altogether.

dear self, please be braver and stronger.

明天开始，一切都结束。

love,
hannah

timeline;

i'm supposed to plan out a timeline for my social work tutorial as to note when things changed. feels like the whole critical and fateful moments. hahah, but what changed me seems so personal. how can i share myself with the world? sometimes it scares me, i wonder if i'll ever lose the compassion that drove me to do what i'm doing now. the thought of going through internship scares me. the many legal laws for social work practice scares me too. but if You've called me, i'll go.

seriously, i too, wonder what changed me. why this change, why and how i am, who i am? but to sit down and try to figure it out, i don't have the patience for it, ironically.

i really want to waste the days away, but i know i can't. if i could, i'll take up a dance class, a figure skating class and the list goes on. i don't think that childhood dream of me ever died. prolly why i'm such an attention seeker at heart. hahah, i secretly enjoy limelights (in the positive light, of course!)

but life goes on, and some things are just not meant to be.

My love 사랑해요 사랑해요
그대 듣고 있나요
My love 잊지 말아요 지우지 말아요
우리의 사랑을

love,
hannah

skies are dark it's time for rain;

time to go back to school, time for another round of routine and normalcy. maybe, just maybe, i'll find who i am to be.

but You alr know the things i don't, and i'l trust in You to work things out. no other way, than to trust and obey.

Use me as you will
Pull my strings just for a thrill
And I know i'll be okay
Though my skies are turning grey

love,
hannah

我以为；

memories brought me back to 3 years ago. i miss those times, i really do. i wonder how you are, if your memories are in sync with mine. i miss the times when everything was laid out and all i had to do was go through the motions. feeling so lost and confused then, but i realised it was a turning point. but we can't turn back time, we can only attempt to relive the memories and burn so vividly in our minds. people walk out of our lives so easily, and sometimes it makes me wonder if any of it was my fault. if i were friends with myself, would i be goodfriends with me? or would i think i'm a bitch that deserves to die. i would like to know. i wonder what makes friends, friends. i wonder at the end of the day, if friendships are formed because there's a need to, or because, they just is - that we need to make use of one another for survival. i don't know. :/

if somewhere out there, the past me exists, there's so many things i'll tell her. will i change the past? probably. not cause i regret the decisions i made, well, inevitably, there's bound to be some. but i'll change the past, which results in the change of the present and the future, just so i'll have a totally different experience on life.

so many thoughts running through my head. the wheels are spinning so quickly i can barely process anything. i feel so broken inside, and i wonder just where i'm heading to. with age, comes the many uncertainties in life. and i just want to shout "STOP!" just stop for awhile, let me breathe, let me try to prepare myself. i'm not ready, i'm not ready for it all. growing up seems like such a natural process for others. but i can't grasp the notion of it, i just can't. i feel like such a failure, i really do. the want to curl into a ball and just hide there forever.

i'm sick of me. i play silly mind games with myself and i'm actually amused at that.

a step at a time, baby steps.

& she let the overdued tears fall.

dear God,

love,
hannah

limbo;

i think somewhere, some how, some time ago, i existed. i knew myself, inside out. i knew the dreams i chased, the future i wanted. but now, i gave up dreaming some time ago.

the practicalities of life, the desired reality can't exist, it can't happen.

that knot of confusion becomes something words can't describe.

oh well. everything's okay, in its own time and place. :)

alone;

even as i was queuing for food alone, that choking feeling of tears threatened to fall. when was the last time i cried? when was the last time i broke down thoroughly? when was the last time i answered my own questions? when was the last time i had time for myself to let it all out?

and when was the last time, i was honest to myself?

i hate questions, i hate your accusations. your insecurities suffocate me, and i'm only trying to live.

my love is selfish, way too selfish. this life, it's too hard to share. i like to keep things to myself, for myself, with myself. you continuously ask me what i want, i really don't know. why do i feel that you drain me?

i'll buy a one way ticket to nowhere, ruin my life if i had the guts, and swear i'll never look back.

screw this.

choke it back, swallow it, bury it, be okay. shit this. shit.

are You gonna make a way, or just watch me fall? so help my unbelief.

it's time to fly;

no more hesitating, sticking to my comfort zone. time to move out, rise up, time to soar.

in Your hands.

love,
hannah

unknown;

i don't know why, when everything else is going so well, i suddenly come to a standstill. i don't know what i want, i don't know where this is heading to, and i don't know why i'm staying.

and i just want to walk away and not give a shit about it. because it's the easiest thing to do because it's what i seem to do every single time anyway.

not sure where to head to now.

Afraid.

I wonder where people actually get the courage to be who they are, what they are. Truth is, I'm so afraid of everything. I want to do it right but everything within me hesitates. I'm scared. I really am. And I wish someone could hold my hand through it all and tell me everything's gonna be okay. Sometimes I wonder where I'm heading, whether I'm heading in the right direction. Whether I got my priorities straight. If at the end of the day I can say with such certainty "I've tried my best". I really don't know. But I wish I did.

I wish I was smarter. I wish I was prettier. I wish I could know the things I don't know. I wish, I'll stop being so self centered. Tomorrow marks a new start, and I don't want the past to continuously haunt me. I don't want to live continuously in the shadow of my past. Just cause I didn't succeed, doesn't mean I won't this time. But I'm so caught up with the then, I just can't seem to be able to move forward.

But still, I thank God for who He is, and who He forever will be. His grace will see me through.

So let the praises ring~

Love,
Hannah

overdued;

truth is, i'm not sure why i'm even at this page, or why i'm even typing this blogspot. maybe it's time to finally get my thoughts in and come to a point of resolution after reflection.

i stepped into 2012 not looking back at 2011 at all. i mean, there are really many quotes/songs/morals etc that say "don't ever look back" now, aren't there? so i tried living by that philosophy. and in doing so, i've been mopping around the pass few days, trying to go back into routine. then i realised something's missing, and i was, indeed, searching for something - closure.

maybe there are reasons why i choose not to look back, maybe cause even looking back, it's not like i can change the past or anything. we can only move forward, to attempt to survive and make it through as victors when we face challenges. isn't that what life is? but the closure i seek seems more than that. a part of me wants to finally confront myself on a few issues. but since they're personal, i'll just cut them all short.

2011 hasn't has its ups, mostly downs. but strangely, it's during the downs and getting out of it when you finally come to a point of satisfaction - i made it through. i'm thankful that God has sustained me through it all, thankful for the people He has placed in my life. but amidst the gratefulness, there is confusion, regret, disappointments, pain, fear and unbelief. the word 'why' resonates so deeply within me it vibrates in the core of my being. i should know better than to question God and His ways, but that doesn't stop me from wanting an answer. the lack of closure boils down to me not being able to attain the answers i need to fully step into the new year without baggages. i carry them daily, try to bury them, take them out when courage steps in, and forced them back in again when i lose the strength. how silly, because the loudest question of them all is: what am i searching for? until now, i don't know.

the lack of closure that stems from this confusion becomes the obstruction to moving on. the word 'victory' was what You have given me for this new year, but as much as i want, yearn and crave for that victory, that unbelieving part of me denies its proclaimation over me. would i finally find victory? i don't know. and because i'm so uncertain, i can't embrace it at all. but for now, whatever it is, i'll live with it, go around it, fight with You and at the same time figure things out.

i'll move on with the utmost principle of my life: i love You, and without You, i am nothing.

so let that be enough.

goodbye 2011, hello 2012.

love,

hannah