twilight;

so i'm online discussing how much alcohol a bottle of vodka contains with samuel quek, OF ALL PEOPLE. -.- and i'm very sure it's not 40%. REALLY.

3 more days, and i guess, i won't be feeling all these dread for a new morning, and i'll finally be able to enjoy the day as it is, instead of wanting time to pass so quickly. but still, i'm really grateful for my bunch of colleagues, even though i do get pissed at them at times. still grateful though. :)

everybody's been telling me this is how the real world is, cruel, cold and everything that i described it to be. maybe part of me already knows that, already registered it to be so, but the other part of me searches for any sign of humanity left, any little tinge of compassion that everyone is supposed to have. sometimes i find myself being too naive, wanting too much of this world, because it has nothing it can offer me. but it's in this world i must learn to survive, it's in this world, that i must find my way through it. no one said it was gonna be easy, yet no one said it's impossible.

it's funny how every time i say i'm gonna stop believing in You, that i'm giving up on my faith. but the thing is, i never do. i continue talking to You, i continue to pray, and i continue to believe that i'm walking in the destiny You have for me. but that doesn't mean i don't feel tired, i don't go through dry seasons. that doesn't mean i don't runaway and i don't hide from You. Daddy, i'm tired. so close to giving up, not sure how long more i can do this, not sure how long more i wanna do this. still, You never let me forget there's hope, there's always hope. perhaps, just perhaps, i was named for this purpose.

it's like grasping the last straws and having them cut your hands till they bleed, but she still holds on to them, because she knows letting go would hurt even more. wounds heal, but death wouldn't, will never.

shallow; the lack of depth.

i wonder if you'll learn, if you'll grow to appreciate what you have. if for once, you'll just stop complaining. you've got all that you can ever ask for, and guess what, hell has just begun for you.

articulate;

finally got the time to be on my own, to not have the phones ringing constantly, and for the silence to be loud enough to hear my thoughts. it seems almost as if my soul can breathe at last, can finally be free, can now be me.

been working for 12 days consecutively. i'm drained and really tired. it's almost like.. i don't know. maybe it's here at last that i can finally be truthful, finally find the words to describe what's on my mind and what i'm actually thinking about. maybe it's dealing with the various situations, and the different people that made me see how quickly the world turns cold. and any act of kindness bestowed or gain, is actually pretty much an act of profit, of benefit. maybe that's what scares me. and on the other hand, maybe what really scares me is that my ability to be influenced, that i'm becoming a part of these people; harden hearted, cold and calculative. i stand in horror at the thoughts that fill my mind these few days, thoughts that benefit ONLY ME, how i should put MYSELF first over others, and if should anyone be in trouble, it must never be me. my heart is slowly being hardened, quickly getting use to this manipulative and individualistic society. and what's really wrong about me is that, i actually think it's okay, that it doesn't matter, or no long matters, if i conform or not. that me being different, doesn't really makes a different. so why try so hard to be? frightening, isn't it? yeah, i thought so too.

so where did such thoughts birth from? when you said i had a heart for people. i started to think, started to look back and ponder. i realised, and how it struck me was amazing, that i no longer held the same compassion for people as i used to. kept thinking on that issue and later to find out how my heart is slowly being hardened as i keep company with such people, that i face daily, more so than i do with my family or anyone else now. it's scary i guess. but it's growing up. and even growing up, i musn't forget how the spiritual and physical world actually goes alongside each other. well, guess at the end of the day is a stand that i must take, it's a stand i must choose wisely. what do i want, who do i want to be, and how i can be different today.

dear God, You feel like a million miles away. but i will sing, i will pray.

romeo;

bliss;

so i began my day with a phone call to the sleepyhead monster. HAHAHAH! somehow, i really like hearing his voice. :) breakfast and then captivating. reading it and then praying the prayers the book has at the back, there was almost a sense of relief, peace and forgiveness just kept flowing through me. take away all those pms-y emotions i was feeling at the moment. but in His presence, i was happy, more than happy. :) i wonder, i wonder if this is how i'll feel like after death. hahahah! God is good. God is really really good! :):)

looking up from the window i'm currently facing, the blue skies makes me happy. it's like God's gift to me right now where i am. plus my dad being nice to me cause i'm coughing the house down, literally. i guess, it's the little things you learn to take joy in, the little details only known to you if you take time to observe, and to appreciate.

so even as i was doing my tawg, i came up with a new year resolution - to confide in God, and stop running away from Him throughout the rest of the year. i think it's something i must really stick by. it's time i grew up to be God's princess, rather than a princess of the world. it may take time, loads of it, because i'm so used to running away. but even as i seek Him daily this year, i'm gonna take my questions to Him, be honest to Him and myself, and to admit my mistakes and see how He's gonna teach me. :):)

to you, there's gonna be times when you require me to open up but i keep pulling away, closing in. let me know, because, there are wounds still healing, trust still building, and yeah, i'm work in progress. :)

i'm gonna go to work with a positive attitude and i really need to plan meet ups with my friends!

okay! i'm (almost) ready for this new year! :D

come back home;

i really miss you. i wish i could tell you all i'm feeling now. or just to have you silent on the other end of the phone line. you'll help me sort out my thoughts, ask me the right questions, help me to find myself. but now, i can't find my heart. not a very nice way to begin the year.

perspective of faith or perspective of fear? even as i was sitting in the chapel, listening to what's being said, i was afraid. because looking back, when i did my papers, i did it with a perspective of fear, because then, i already felt defeated. and this morning, i knew i was being attacked spiritually. but i couldn't say anything. i decided to just follow through, pretend everything was alright, like everything within didn't matter. but it felt like a turmoil, churning deep within. i couldn't engage in worship, i couldn't stay where i was. i wanted to run, i wanted to scream. but i did nothing. i continued to be how i would be, was supposed to be. perspective of faith or fear, does it matter now? would it actually change my results? God, i can't hide any longer. but on my way home after lunching with shaunice, i felt you say that this year was gonna be a season of change, a season of molding, shaping. becoming who i was meant to be, made to be. but strangely, i just felt as though i couldn't hold on to Your words.

come back home soon, you.

oh right, resolutions. hmmmm.