out of touch;

你最近还好吗？ :)

have been busy meting up with different people :) people that really make a difference in my life. monday was exceptionally a happyday for me. hanging with coregroup cell and besties really made my day. heheh!

sometimes, you drift along with your memories, where they take you, you follow. and i've lived so much, i miss my past. i miss my lost dreams, i miss my youth, i miss the days that have passed. not that i'm not happy where i am, but i just am missing the days have passed me by.

there are times i wish to be free, free from all sorts of commitments, to just breathe. it's so silly, isn't it? i have almost everything i could ask for, but something's missing. and i wish i knew what it was. but for now, i'll just have to live. time's not gonna stop anyway. sigh.

on a happier note..

MERRY CHRISTMAS FRIENDS! :D

God resurrects the dead;

back from leaders' camp and i was really blessed by it.

so many things that happened. God chose to reveal the condition of my heart, to dig up issues that i thought i was over it. all the hurts, and pain, i don't feel it anymore but God knows anyway. and He chooses to dig them out so thoroughly and reveal them through pjanice. strangely, i felt really betrayed. how could He choose to uncover things i've been through so long ago, got over them, and now, You just decide to make me deal with them again. how could You show my deepest secrets to someone i barely even know? from then on, i kept questioning why, i kept trying to understand why You would do that. and after making me go through the whole process of me, the only word You said was, rest. does that even make sense?! like.. seriously?

but now i know. now i know my choice to major in social work is affirmed. the need to deal with my own issues before i can minister to others. i stand in awe of You, and i choose to obey and walk in Your ways.

"don't ever give up on God, cause God will NEVER give up on you."

- Nick Vujicic

turn away;

sometimes, it's easier to just walk away, to pretend you don't hear the demands. funny how despite and inspite of everything, it all boils down to money.

i don't understand, and i probably never will. we're all flawed beings, on the brink, on the edge. we're all trying to live. but some of us, just the few of us, we're trying to make love work.

but it never does, i sincerely don't think it will.

to believe or not no longer holds weight. because i'll keep trying, again and again. getting hurt, again and again. loving someone, who probably never will love you back.

and it has to be okay.

i wonder, at the back of my mind, have you ever loved me?

so tired, but i've stopped trying to make sense of everything. stopped trying to lie to myself that i'm loved, that i'm worth it, that maybe if i try harder.. you'll notice me. cause all i ever wanted was your affirmation.

i'm turning 20 next year.

maybe i don't celebrate my birthdays at home because no one finds the need, i don't find the need. because the underlying question in my mind wonders: is my birth a celebration or a curse? i don't know, and for once, i'm gonna walk away from all these thoughts. it'll haunt me at times, but those time, i'll live with it.

sometimes, i wonder if my cheerful demeanor was just my way of escaping. shrugs, don't matter.

with love,

hannah

despair? no, trust!

so here i am again, trying so hard not to be tempted to say.. 我绝望了！yes, i pretty much screwed up my geog.. but, let's not go there. hahah! i was thinking, and thinking and thinking about it. like.. what if i don't do well? what if i fail and have to retake the whole sem again? what ifs.. what if. but then, i started to look back down the road of memory lane, and all i see was how i overcame each trial, academic wise or not, again and again. but i know it isn't because i have grown smarter each time (maybe i did), but because God has seen me through and i know His plans and His directions for me. so.. why worry? i tried, i really did. so i did all i could and now, it's not my turn anymore. it's His, so i'll leave it all to Him.

really grateful for the wonderful and amazing friends i have who would send me prayers through smses. i guess that's the kind of sense of belonging, and acceptance so many of us are searching for. but i found it here, found it in amongst God's people, and i'm really thankful. :)

i'm not sure why i decide to write again, probably cause it forces me to think, to reflect, and to pen down my thoughts. helps me exercise the ability to string words together to make a sentence, to not be repeating myself over and over again. like.. GEOG PAPER. but it's okay, it's over. i'll do better next time :)

okay, time to source for a new blogskin and to start lit.. maybe. okay, maybe not.

with love,

hannah

shrugs

so tired. :(

i wish, i had the energy to pen all that i want to write, to pen my thoughts, but i'm too tired to pen down anything that is coherent. but.. can't wait for the 29th to be over!

flyaway;

haha, yes, i know i haven't blogged in a long while, and i said i wouldn't. so i lied. hahah!

this phrase has been playing over and over again in my mind

"why are you searching for validation in places you don't exist?"

i'm not sure either. but for once, i just want to be appreciated for the things i'm doing, and for showing love when they don't deserve it. shrugs, life is hard.

flyaway, 不管留下多少眼泪，渐次下去，动力还在，nothing i will be afraid~

blue skies and white clouds;

finally finished working, 8 months of hols have passed just like that. but i can fully say, i don't regret any moment of it. getting to where i am, it was a beautiful process.

while i'm typing this and listening to the over of that's what faith can do, i can feel goosebumps rising all over me. i like where i am :) and i have the most loving boyfriend, i can't ask for more. spending time with him and his family so much during my hols have helped me see how blessed i am. being accepted ino their family and becoming one of them, it just all part of God's plan.

so i'm deciding i'm probably not gonna write here anymore. and if i need a outlet, i'll find a way. so on this endnote, this is for all of you guys. :)

THAT'S WHAT FAITH CAN DO
Everybody falls sometimes
Gotta find the strength to rise
From the ashes and make a new beginning
Anyone can feel the ache
You think its more than you can take
But you are stronger, stronger than you know
Don't you give up now
The sun will soon be shining
You gotta face the clouds
To find the silver lining

I've seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn't ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I've seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That's what faith can do

It doesn't matter what you've heard
Impossible is not a word
It's just a reason for someone not to try
Everybody's scared to death
When they decide to take that step
Out on the water
It'll be alright
Life is so much more
Than what your eyes are seeing
You will find your way
If you keep believing

I've seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn't ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I've seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That's what faith can do

Overcome the odds
You don't have a chance
(That's what faith can do)
When the world says you can't
I'll tell you that you can!

I've seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn't ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I've seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That's what faith can do
That's what faith can do!

Even if you fall sometimes
You will have the strength to rise

cheers,
Hannah

whole again.

you know the kind of feeling you get when you lose everything, and when you feel like you've lost everything, everything, including the one last thing that can sustain you - hope. you fall into the never ending bottomless pit, trying to find a way out. but at the same time, you resign to what's gonna happen. you try to takes things into your own hands, to have some say over it, but before you know it, things are spiraling out of control even before you had time to say, "shit!"

and all of a sudden you're brought back to this song your friend once wrote, 'and though my heart breaks i know You have the plans, i lift my hands and surrender, i find my hope in You.' it's funny how in your most hopeless situation, you once again find new hope renewed, and you just stand amaze. and you see the wonders of what complete surrender does to you. that relief, that reassurance, that.. peace. :)

i've come to see, sometimes, it's really okay to let go and still be afraid. but it's in the letting go where beauty sets in, and you know you're just gonna be alright.

sometimes He calms the storm, and other times, He calms His child. and right now, where i am, i know He's doing both. :)

on the other hand.. family just doesn't feel like a family anymore. and i guess,, part of me, i'm still searching for that answer. so.. what changed? why this strain? i don't get it. and part of me kinda believes, i just don't belong, and i never did? maybe i'm still waiting to be proven wrong. and i pray, in my silence, in my chosen isolation, you'll come to see, i need help to tear down these walls. i'm still a girl, a girl who still believes in happy endings, who believes good triumphs all evil and that there's always good in everyone. i pray, it's this girl inside me you'll see and capture, to assure and to nuture. i'm still.. waiting, still hoping.

intricate complexity; strands intertwine, hearts refined.

still that little child;

the way you see through me, it frightens me a little how you can read me so well. but you always know how i'm feeling then. the broken little girl in me fell in love with you, did you know that? :) you may not be my first, but you will surely, most definitely, be my last. even if it takes 7 years. is that why you sold your ebook at $7? hahahaah! i love you. :)

everything's just.. alright.

believing in the destiny that You have made out for me.

upset;

i don't know why i can't feel happy. i mean, i come home to everything that i want. a new itouch, a new bag, and my debit card arrived. but why am i not happy!? why?! now i sound like a spoilt brat! but i'm not! i assure you, i'm not! and i've got a good paying job and thhe bestest boyfriend one could ever ask for. then how come, right now where i am, i'm not happy!? WHY!?

I KNOW WHY! IT'S BECAUSE THIS THING IS FALLING APART ON ME! IT'S MAKING ME A VERY SAD THING! I'M BEING DEHUMANIZED CAUSE OF THIS PIECE OF TECHNOLOGY THAT'S CURRENTLY TRYING TO DIE ON ME! YOU SEE! IT'S RUINING MY LIFE!

okay, i'm being drama mama, but you see, if i can joke about it, i'm not really pissed anymore, am i? hahahahha! okay, shall call boyfriend now to apologise and tell him i love him. :)

sliced;

everything was going well. job and people were great. they make you smile and i was happy with them. thanking God for every single thing in my life. but things don't always go your way.

i had so much to tell you, so much i wanted to share with you at the end of the day. then that message came. i was shocked. felt like a tight slap in my face. a reminder i'm not allowed to be that happy. what right did i have? shouldn't be typing about this, too raw, too deep. not meant to be loved by anyone. vulnerable.

choked. but what i feared more was the constant urge to inflict pain. when will i be over this? 2 years should've been long enough.

tired emotionally.

words do lose their meaning.

painful awakening;

so many thoughts running through my mind. only so much i can say to express myself.

please don't let this fall apart.

so.. down. and then everything bad comes at once and you just don't know how to handle them. and then you see it's so much easier to say, "i give up". but it ain't right, isn't supposed to be like that.

safe in my own embrace, then i let the tears fall.

i lost my joy to the coldness of this society. and.. it seems perfectly alright.

locked up;

i secretly find the title very applicable. it was the same words used by pgwen to described how we're feeling. but i guess, in a way, it's very apt now. :/

in the wee hours of the night, i've never told anyone, but i'm really afraid of the dark. more towards being afraid of the night, secretly, because you don't know what the night has in store for you, and because it's night, it's the end of the day. where activities cease, and your heart should be put to rest. but it scares me, and i don't feel safe. don't feel safe here at all.

i don't know how to describe how i'm feeling. i'm perfectly okay with going through the routines, going through each day. i should be contented, should be.. at ease? but i feel nothing like that. the head knows it all, but the heart doesn't. i'm fighting against myself, and i don't know why.

a different kind of heartache, that i can no longer comprehend. i am not who i am, neither do i understand. the heart's searching for something i can't find. like, a lost pace of mine.

'the tumult in the heart keeps asking questions, and then it stops and undertakes to answer in the same tone of voice. no one could tell the difference.' - conversation.

can't think anymore. telephone from lady gaga sounds so relevant to me. okay, but it's not good.

flyaway;

constricted;

disclaimer: angsty (very) girl at work. read with an open mind and don't judge. else, leave this page now. thanks.

i don't like it when so many people intrudes into my life. even though i do understand it's for my own good and all, but still, some things need to remain private. and please, stop telling me what to do. there'll be a limit as to how much i'll abide before i leave; i will rebel because i feel suffocated.

so this is me, trying to figure my way around the whole group of people breathing down my neck about should dos and shouldn't do.

oh well, get used to it.

twilight;

so i'm online discussing how much alcohol a bottle of vodka contains with samuel quek, OF ALL PEOPLE. -.- and i'm very sure it's not 40%. REALLY.

3 more days, and i guess, i won't be feeling all these dread for a new morning, and i'll finally be able to enjoy the day as it is, instead of wanting time to pass so quickly. but still, i'm really grateful for my bunch of colleagues, even though i do get pissed at them at times. still grateful though. :)

everybody's been telling me this is how the real world is, cruel, cold and everything that i described it to be. maybe part of me already knows that, already registered it to be so, but the other part of me searches for any sign of humanity left, any little tinge of compassion that everyone is supposed to have. sometimes i find myself being too naive, wanting too much of this world, because it has nothing it can offer me. but it's in this world i must learn to survive, it's in this world, that i must find my way through it. no one said it was gonna be easy, yet no one said it's impossible.

it's funny how every time i say i'm gonna stop believing in You, that i'm giving up on my faith. but the thing is, i never do. i continue talking to You, i continue to pray, and i continue to believe that i'm walking in the destiny You have for me. but that doesn't mean i don't feel tired, i don't go through dry seasons. that doesn't mean i don't runaway and i don't hide from You. Daddy, i'm tired. so close to giving up, not sure how long more i can do this, not sure how long more i wanna do this. still, You never let me forget there's hope, there's always hope. perhaps, just perhaps, i was named for this purpose.

it's like grasping the last straws and having them cut your hands till they bleed, but she still holds on to them, because she knows letting go would hurt even more. wounds heal, but death wouldn't, will never.

shallow; the lack of depth.

i wonder if you'll learn, if you'll grow to appreciate what you have. if for once, you'll just stop complaining. you've got all that you can ever ask for, and guess what, hell has just begun for you.

articulate;

finally got the time to be on my own, to not have the phones ringing constantly, and for the silence to be loud enough to hear my thoughts. it seems almost as if my soul can breathe at last, can finally be free, can now be me.

been working for 12 days consecutively. i'm drained and really tired. it's almost like.. i don't know. maybe it's here at last that i can finally be truthful, finally find the words to describe what's on my mind and what i'm actually thinking about. maybe it's dealing with the various situations, and the different people that made me see how quickly the world turns cold. and any act of kindness bestowed or gain, is actually pretty much an act of profit, of benefit. maybe that's what scares me. and on the other hand, maybe what really scares me is that my ability to be influenced, that i'm becoming a part of these people; harden hearted, cold and calculative. i stand in horror at the thoughts that fill my mind these few days, thoughts that benefit ONLY ME, how i should put MYSELF first over others, and if should anyone be in trouble, it must never be me. my heart is slowly being hardened, quickly getting use to this manipulative and individualistic society. and what's really wrong about me is that, i actually think it's okay, that it doesn't matter, or no long matters, if i conform or not. that me being different, doesn't really makes a different. so why try so hard to be? frightening, isn't it? yeah, i thought so too.

so where did such thoughts birth from? when you said i had a heart for people. i started to think, started to look back and ponder. i realised, and how it struck me was amazing, that i no longer held the same compassion for people as i used to. kept thinking on that issue and later to find out how my heart is slowly being hardened as i keep company with such people, that i face daily, more so than i do with my family or anyone else now. it's scary i guess. but it's growing up. and even growing up, i musn't forget how the spiritual and physical world actually goes alongside each other. well, guess at the end of the day is a stand that i must take, it's a stand i must choose wisely. what do i want, who do i want to be, and how i can be different today.

dear God, You feel like a million miles away. but i will sing, i will pray.

romeo;

bliss;

so i began my day with a phone call to the sleepyhead monster. HAHAHAH! somehow, i really like hearing his voice. :) breakfast and then captivating. reading it and then praying the prayers the book has at the back, there was almost a sense of relief, peace and forgiveness just kept flowing through me. take away all those pms-y emotions i was feeling at the moment. but in His presence, i was happy, more than happy. :) i wonder, i wonder if this is how i'll feel like after death. hahahah! God is good. God is really really good! :):)

looking up from the window i'm currently facing, the blue skies makes me happy. it's like God's gift to me right now where i am. plus my dad being nice to me cause i'm coughing the house down, literally. i guess, it's the little things you learn to take joy in, the little details only known to you if you take time to observe, and to appreciate.

so even as i was doing my tawg, i came up with a new year resolution - to confide in God, and stop running away from Him throughout the rest of the year. i think it's something i must really stick by. it's time i grew up to be God's princess, rather than a princess of the world. it may take time, loads of it, because i'm so used to running away. but even as i seek Him daily this year, i'm gonna take my questions to Him, be honest to Him and myself, and to admit my mistakes and see how He's gonna teach me. :):)

to you, there's gonna be times when you require me to open up but i keep pulling away, closing in. let me know, because, there are wounds still healing, trust still building, and yeah, i'm work in progress. :)

i'm gonna go to work with a positive attitude and i really need to plan meet ups with my friends!

okay! i'm (almost) ready for this new year! :D

come back home;

i really miss you. i wish i could tell you all i'm feeling now. or just to have you silent on the other end of the phone line. you'll help me sort out my thoughts, ask me the right questions, help me to find myself. but now, i can't find my heart. not a very nice way to begin the year.

perspective of faith or perspective of fear? even as i was sitting in the chapel, listening to what's being said, i was afraid. because looking back, when i did my papers, i did it with a perspective of fear, because then, i already felt defeated. and this morning, i knew i was being attacked spiritually. but i couldn't say anything. i decided to just follow through, pretend everything was alright, like everything within didn't matter. but it felt like a turmoil, churning deep within. i couldn't engage in worship, i couldn't stay where i was. i wanted to run, i wanted to scream. but i did nothing. i continued to be how i would be, was supposed to be. perspective of faith or fear, does it matter now? would it actually change my results? God, i can't hide any longer. but on my way home after lunching with shaunice, i felt you say that this year was gonna be a season of change, a season of molding, shaping. becoming who i was meant to be, made to be. but strangely, i just felt as though i couldn't hold on to Your words.

come back home soon, you.

oh right, resolutions. hmmmm.