in between;

i'm not happy, but i'm not sad either. and i wonder if it's okay to feel like this all the time. yet, at the same time, you know something's missing. that empty void you just can't feel. you're okay with the things around you, you're okay with not feeling anything, but you're just not okay to know there's an emptiness that you have to try to live with. and the worse part? you don't know where that empty void is, or how to fill it. the people around you will say, "give it to God, He'll fill it up, you'll be empty no more". but that's the not the point. i just want to know where the void is, maybe, i have to know.

i thank God for this family, i still continuously do. but i wondered if i've dealt with my past issues that i've kept it hidden for so long. how do you know you've let it go fully? when your heart aches no more when you talk about it? no, i don't think that's ever gonna happen. for every incident, it leaves a mark, a memory, an experience. and you can't just forget that. you're still occasionally gonna feel the squeeze, and the tightness of your chest, the regrets, and the disappointments. you've just come to a point of accepting them, i guess? do you then consider that letting go? can i consider that as letting go?

the past few days have been great :) even remembering them brings a smile to my face and a tingly warmth to my heart. will i ever have those moments again in the days to come? i don't know. maybe then, i'll treasure these moments more, keep them close to my heart. because everytime when i go back to those moments, all of a sudden, nothing else matters. and that seems to be.. enough :)

but for now, where i am, i'm stuck in the in between. still, i'll find my way through them. the days ahead, it's only gonna get harder and i have to prepare myself for them, even though i don't want to. but i will. the can see many events filling up the slots in my organizer. it's strange, it feels exhilarating, yet, i know they're gonna leave me breathless and whiny, even cranky on certain days. but i want it, i want to go beyond myself, to feel the rush, the burn, the depletion. and even if i feel like death, i know i'll be alive. i'll survive. i'm not crazy, i'm just.. me.

i'm running away, and i know it. oh hell.

love,

hannah

寂寞寂寞就好；

很想问，即使才能回自己。以为我寂寞寂寞就好，原来着并不是我所以为的吧。

i wonder how long more i'll be running away. i'm amused by myself, in a strange kind of sense. it's not as if i'm not aware of the problem, or that what's wrong with me. but rather, knowing what is wrong and being too afraid and tired to confront it seems like a totally different thing altogether.

dear self, please be braver and stronger.

明天开始，一切都结束。

love,
hannah

timeline;

i'm supposed to plan out a timeline for my social work tutorial as to note when things changed. feels like the whole critical and fateful moments. hahah, but what changed me seems so personal. how can i share myself with the world? sometimes it scares me, i wonder if i'll ever lose the compassion that drove me to do what i'm doing now. the thought of going through internship scares me. the many legal laws for social work practice scares me too. but if You've called me, i'll go.

seriously, i too, wonder what changed me. why this change, why and how i am, who i am? but to sit down and try to figure it out, i don't have the patience for it, ironically.

i really want to waste the days away, but i know i can't. if i could, i'll take up a dance class, a figure skating class and the list goes on. i don't think that childhood dream of me ever died. prolly why i'm such an attention seeker at heart. hahah, i secretly enjoy limelights (in the positive light, of course!)

but life goes on, and some things are just not meant to be.

My love 사랑해요 사랑해요
그대 듣고 있나요
My love 잊지 말아요 지우지 말아요
우리의 사랑을

love,
hannah

skies are dark it's time for rain;

time to go back to school, time for another round of routine and normalcy. maybe, just maybe, i'll find who i am to be.

but You alr know the things i don't, and i'l trust in You to work things out. no other way, than to trust and obey.

Use me as you will
Pull my strings just for a thrill
And I know i'll be okay
Though my skies are turning grey

love,
hannah

我以为；

memories brought me back to 3 years ago. i miss those times, i really do. i wonder how you are, if your memories are in sync with mine. i miss the times when everything was laid out and all i had to do was go through the motions. feeling so lost and confused then, but i realised it was a turning point. but we can't turn back time, we can only attempt to relive the memories and burn so vividly in our minds. people walk out of our lives so easily, and sometimes it makes me wonder if any of it was my fault. if i were friends with myself, would i be goodfriends with me? or would i think i'm a bitch that deserves to die. i would like to know. i wonder what makes friends, friends. i wonder at the end of the day, if friendships are formed because there's a need to, or because, they just is - that we need to make use of one another for survival. i don't know. :/

if somewhere out there, the past me exists, there's so many things i'll tell her. will i change the past? probably. not cause i regret the decisions i made, well, inevitably, there's bound to be some. but i'll change the past, which results in the change of the present and the future, just so i'll have a totally different experience on life.

so many thoughts running through my head. the wheels are spinning so quickly i can barely process anything. i feel so broken inside, and i wonder just where i'm heading to. with age, comes the many uncertainties in life. and i just want to shout "STOP!" just stop for awhile, let me breathe, let me try to prepare myself. i'm not ready, i'm not ready for it all. growing up seems like such a natural process for others. but i can't grasp the notion of it, i just can't. i feel like such a failure, i really do. the want to curl into a ball and just hide there forever.

i'm sick of me. i play silly mind games with myself and i'm actually amused at that.

a step at a time, baby steps.

& she let the overdued tears fall.

dear God,

love,
hannah

limbo;

i think somewhere, some how, some time ago, i existed. i knew myself, inside out. i knew the dreams i chased, the future i wanted. but now, i gave up dreaming some time ago.

the practicalities of life, the desired reality can't exist, it can't happen.

that knot of confusion becomes something words can't describe.

oh well. everything's okay, in its own time and place. :)

alone;

even as i was queuing for food alone, that choking feeling of tears threatened to fall. when was the last time i cried? when was the last time i broke down thoroughly? when was the last time i answered my own questions? when was the last time i had time for myself to let it all out?

and when was the last time, i was honest to myself?

i hate questions, i hate your accusations. your insecurities suffocate me, and i'm only trying to live.

my love is selfish, way too selfish. this life, it's too hard to share. i like to keep things to myself, for myself, with myself. you continuously ask me what i want, i really don't know. why do i feel that you drain me?

i'll buy a one way ticket to nowhere, ruin my life if i had the guts, and swear i'll never look back.

screw this.

choke it back, swallow it, bury it, be okay. shit this. shit.

are You gonna make a way, or just watch me fall? so help my unbelief.

it's time to fly;

no more hesitating, sticking to my comfort zone. time to move out, rise up, time to soar.

in Your hands.

love,
hannah

unknown;

i don't know why, when everything else is going so well, i suddenly come to a standstill. i don't know what i want, i don't know where this is heading to, and i don't know why i'm staying.

and i just want to walk away and not give a shit about it. because it's the easiest thing to do because it's what i seem to do every single time anyway.

not sure where to head to now.

Afraid.

I wonder where people actually get the courage to be who they are, what they are. Truth is, I'm so afraid of everything. I want to do it right but everything within me hesitates. I'm scared. I really am. And I wish someone could hold my hand through it all and tell me everything's gonna be okay. Sometimes I wonder where I'm heading, whether I'm heading in the right direction. Whether I got my priorities straight. If at the end of the day I can say with such certainty "I've tried my best". I really don't know. But I wish I did.

I wish I was smarter. I wish I was prettier. I wish I could know the things I don't know. I wish, I'll stop being so self centered. Tomorrow marks a new start, and I don't want the past to continuously haunt me. I don't want to live continuously in the shadow of my past. Just cause I didn't succeed, doesn't mean I won't this time. But I'm so caught up with the then, I just can't seem to be able to move forward.

But still, I thank God for who He is, and who He forever will be. His grace will see me through.

So let the praises ring~

Love,
Hannah

overdued;

truth is, i'm not sure why i'm even at this page, or why i'm even typing this blogspot. maybe it's time to finally get my thoughts in and come to a point of resolution after reflection.

i stepped into 2012 not looking back at 2011 at all. i mean, there are really many quotes/songs/morals etc that say "don't ever look back" now, aren't there? so i tried living by that philosophy. and in doing so, i've been mopping around the pass few days, trying to go back into routine. then i realised something's missing, and i was, indeed, searching for something - closure.

maybe there are reasons why i choose not to look back, maybe cause even looking back, it's not like i can change the past or anything. we can only move forward, to attempt to survive and make it through as victors when we face challenges. isn't that what life is? but the closure i seek seems more than that. a part of me wants to finally confront myself on a few issues. but since they're personal, i'll just cut them all short.

2011 hasn't has its ups, mostly downs. but strangely, it's during the downs and getting out of it when you finally come to a point of satisfaction - i made it through. i'm thankful that God has sustained me through it all, thankful for the people He has placed in my life. but amidst the gratefulness, there is confusion, regret, disappointments, pain, fear and unbelief. the word 'why' resonates so deeply within me it vibrates in the core of my being. i should know better than to question God and His ways, but that doesn't stop me from wanting an answer. the lack of closure boils down to me not being able to attain the answers i need to fully step into the new year without baggages. i carry them daily, try to bury them, take them out when courage steps in, and forced them back in again when i lose the strength. how silly, because the loudest question of them all is: what am i searching for? until now, i don't know.

the lack of closure that stems from this confusion becomes the obstruction to moving on. the word 'victory' was what You have given me for this new year, but as much as i want, yearn and crave for that victory, that unbelieving part of me denies its proclaimation over me. would i finally find victory? i don't know. and because i'm so uncertain, i can't embrace it at all. but for now, whatever it is, i'll live with it, go around it, fight with You and at the same time figure things out.

i'll move on with the utmost principle of my life: i love You, and without You, i am nothing.

so let that be enough.

goodbye 2011, hello 2012.

love,

hannah