priority: money.

to get lost in words, shut the world out. so tired.

i don't understand why can't we just live in our dysfunction? why must we sort everything out?

money triumphs over everything. for 20 years, i kept trying to defy this statement/concept. i've always believed that there was more to life than just cash, there's more to life than the material gains. prolly why i even chose to be studying social work even when it pays so lowly. but now i know, money can buy happiness. money can buy everything to please everyone. being rich is so much better. i'm so tired of pleasing you, of always being the one to mend back this broken relationship. people say a mother-daughter relationship was something that God gave so dearly. i'm sorry, i don't have that. i never had that. for 20 years i've been hoping for us to find it. but 20 years now, mummy, i give up. i give trying to please you, i give up trying to establish that relationship with you. mummy, i don't expect anything from you anymore. this time, i won't look back when i walk away, i won't regret the things i'm giving up here and now. mummy, i'm finally going to live for myself, i'm finally going to put myself first so you can't hurt me anymore. mummy, thank you for teaching me that money triumphs everything, that money speaks, that money is more important than health. i wish i could see that you cared about me, i really did. maybe in your own ways, but i never felt it. i just thought you should know. mummy, i promise to return every cent you spend on me, i promise, at least for now, besides money, i won't expect anything else from you. forgiveness? mummy, if you're looking for forgiveness, you won't find it here. i curse the day i was born, and i made a vow, a promise to myself, i'll try to forget my birthdate, not something to be celebrated, but to be mourned about. if money was so important to you, why did you have me? why didn't you plan in advance of the things you would have to sacrifice for me. why didn't you think of the consequences when you criticised my every thought/comment. why, why did things end up like this? why couldn't you show me more love? why couldn't you love me in a way i could understand? mummy, the things i don't say, don't mean i don't feel. i'm not emotionless as you'll like to think, i'm not. mummy, the moment when i walk out of the door, forget you've ever had a daughter like me. cause the only news you'll ever hear from me then is when i return you the money i've owed. i could count the times i was down cause of you, but happy? not really. i think, i think... it's time i let go of this relationship. mummy, i hope you're happy now, cause i think, i really think, i'll be happier. thank you for everything, even though it was so pretty. from this day on, when money becomes an issue, i'll just accept it. and when life becomes too hard to bear, i'll throw myself away. well, just thought you should know.

dear God, i don't want to be whole, thank You for trying. i figured i don't have to be whole to survive. so thank You.

love,
hannah

breathe again;

tonight's one of those nights, your heart hurts, your faith runs dry, and you just so much to wrap your arms around your knees and cry so so so hard. to cry for the hurts you've forgotten to exist. how much am i carrying? just how much have i not let go, have i buried in so deep. i'm out of breath, and someday i pray, i'll breathe again.

reading "Lord, I want to be whole" brought me back to the past that i didn't want to remember. instead of proceeding with the journal of the book, i slammed it shut, threw away the thoughts that were bubbling within me. who could say i wasn't alright? but it hurt, it really hurt. i wish i didn't start on it, cause it can't seem to stop, all these feelings, all the forgotten pain. i just want to breathe. want it all to go away. i'm not sure i'll make it through DEW, not sure at all. i've become so uncertain about You. stop, just let me breathe for awhile.

then it came to the roleplaying part in social work, and i realised the role i played, it was everything i felt back then. EVERYTHING. the pain, the rejection, the abandonment, the never good enough, the lack of attention, the need for someone to listen. the series of relationships, the stressors.. they came flooding back. even when tears threatened to fall, i laughed, laughed as though the acting was so awkward, when everything was real. everything within me, i haven't let go. what should i do now? where should i head to now?

gaining that distance from some friends you used to be so closed to, and that's what hurts most i guess. because you've invested so much time and effort into it, and some time along the way, you would expect them to be the same for you. but that's never true. expectations, disappointments. painful painful. life at its best, i guess. everything falls apart as all these come together. they forget you, they forget the moments, and it becomes nothing.

cause even the sane centre is driving me insane. when change comes, everything is overturned. escape.

i'll breathe again, in time to come, i would.

just.. where are You now? oh wait, i don't think i'm even deserving to ask of that question. right. sorry. rejection at its best, too.

love,
hannah

heart near empty;

i should prolly be using this time for sleeping instead of doing everything else that i'm doing now. but i'm just seriously, whole heartedly, really very very very tired. emotionally, physically and spiritually. even as i'm typing this, there's a choking back of tears that threatens to fall. i don't know how long it's been like this, but i really just want rest. i don't want to run around just giving.. giving just out of obligations, giving just out of head knowledge, giving, because of the position i'm in. i want to rest, i just want to be able to slow down, breathe, look around and see that the world's still as beautiful as it should be. i want to stop questioning myself when i wake up daily, why am i even waking up.

i know my purpose for life, i really do. i know i'm called to this mission field to heal hearts has been broken, to show God's healing and love through the process, though not explicitly sharing the gospel. but i just feel so tired. it's like i'm running on a routine, and i don't want to be. the one reason why i chose to respond cause i wanted something that is different daily, i wanted to be used.. just as i am. and i guess the ironic part is when God chooses to use you just as you are, you suddenly realise you wanna take back your response and you're left wondering why you even answered the call.

shrugs, i'm tired. i just need to.. rest.

love,
hannah

just the way you are;

evidently, i had no idea what to name this post, neither do i really know where this post is heading. but it's okay. we'll see what comes up.

okay, i lost my thoughts. it was something to do with growing up, now i just can't remember. so bye.

love,
hannah

her own fairytale;

this scene keeps playing in my mind, even though it doesn't mean anything to me. sometimes, i wish my love life was a drama, with its own happily ever afters. but fairytales don't exist, true love does.

-

Laughing with her group of friends under the blue skies, sharing little secrets, dancing to the tune inside her head. She was alive; right here, right now. Sunlight in her hair, reflecting different hues of brown, and blonde. There wasn't a care in the world - time was waiting for her, and she was aware of it. It was hers to keep, to give, to bask in and nothing else mattered. Like a child, she found her innocence, embedded and intertwined among her heartstrings. "Live, love, laugh", she thought to herself, "this is it! I've found it, after searching for forever!"

Yet, out of the blue, she found him, looking at her, speaking with eyes she thought she wouldn't see again. That longing, that overwhelming love she know he once had for her. Her mended heart with threads were coming loose, she was loosing her grip on life, losing the sound of laughter, the melody in her head turned to minor chords. Taken aback, she tried to stop that dam of emotions waiting to gush out. The emergency button was pushed, walls came up, guards placed right along the walls alert in defensive mode, wanting to see if they needed to go into offensive. Grabbed her bag, she started to turn away. "Walk away", she told herself, "walk away. It'll be okay." Three steps ahead and that familiar touch around her wrist stopped her straight.

"Stay", he whispered amongst the crowd, amongst her friends that were still rooted to where they were. "Stay, please. Listen to me, won't you?"

"Let go of me," she breathed, barely heard, "let go of me, let me go." Determined not to cry, not to look back to what she once had and lost, she swallowed that bubble of tears that were forcing their way up her throat and down her cheeks. Still, in her heart that silent voice whispered, "Don't, don't let me go. Don't forget the love we shared, don't!" But even as her heart pleaded with him in another realm, she felt the grip on her wrist loosen. She knew then, he wouldn't fight for her, as much as she wanted him to, he wouldn't see past her words to her heart.

She closed her eyes, said a little prayer and walked away with memories and tears. Because right there and then, she knew that was what she was going to carry with her.

And she whispered, "I love you, always had, always will."

-

hahah, not bad right? heheeh, dramas of my life. and no, it's not in relation to me, so don't think too much! busy week ahead! so.. kudos! :)

love,
hannah

held;

somewhere out there, i know now, a bigger world exist, a greater destiny awaits.

i'm gonna be just fine, with You by my side.

love,
hannah

heartstrings;

so i decided to take a little breather from trying to process so much SEA information. no idea what compelled me to take this mod. but.. oh well. oh, and read at your own discretion. it's prolly gonna be a long post of.. narcissism.

recently, i realised i like to have conversations with myself more often than i do with anyone else. somehow, being on my own (not eating meals alone though!) has become something that i'm really comfortable with. the lack of a company's presence/silence doesn't bother me as much as it did before. i've stopped talking so much, stopped trying to make people feel comfortable. these few days, i have conversations with myself, leave the awkward atmosphere hanging and close out the world around me. it feels as though there isn't a need for me to participate with what's around me, no need to drain my energy to speak, and all i wanna do is just keep silent in my thoughts. but i wonder how long that's sustainable :/ i mean, eventually, there'll come a time when i need to speak, to talk, about meaningless things, redundant, mindless conversations. and i question myself so frequently now, like, what am i thinking? why do i think the way i think? why do i feel the way i feel? hahah, maybe it's the social worker in me. maybe not.

so i told God i was tired today. i told Him i don't think i'll ever fulfill His destiny for me. i told Him i'm never gonna be a child that He can be proud of. and i asked, if i could just give up now. maybe i'm just not up for it. maybe i believed in a lie that i was made to be a conquerer, that this season was victory's call. i could feel Him knocking on the door of my heart, but i closed Him out. i closed Him out because i'm not sure i could bear His reply. but He left a note outside, saying, "I'll be waiting, always be waiting, with open arms." and i know somehow out there, He's still waiting. i should let Him in, shouldn't i? yet, i don't want to. i'm tired, really tired. notions of failure cloud my mind, and i'm not sure i'll even get passed it. to do my honours, get a scholarship.. all these were my heart's desire before entering uni, but now, where i am, i realised i can't. can't attain a single goal at all. even minoring in soci seems like such a far cry. i don't think i can make it, i don't think i'll ever succeed. no, i've come to a point of accepting it's no longer an issue with faith - that God is in control. rather, i've come to see, i'm just not made out for this.. for life. and i just have to be okay with that. i don't want to try to struggle with my goals anymore, admitting defeat seems such an easier task, a more attainable feat. perhaps then, i've always been destined to be a failure, to be a disappointment to the ones around me. yeah, just maybe. no, i don't think i'm sad, so don't try to comfort me. i'm just.. resigned.

so many doubts, so many insecurities, million of adequacies. no, don't quote me bible verses, i don't need it. don't tell me i'm more than who/what i believe myself to be, i don't need that either. what i need, is to be able to come to terms with myself, to accept myself for who i am - flawed. i'm not asking fro your sympathy, or your pity, for that matter. just a listening ear, to try to comprehend what i'm getting at, also, at my obvious imperfect logic that i'm trying to reason now. sigh. all these shall come to a standstill now. i'm.. tired? oh wells, i'm lacking for a better word, aren't i?

a part of me died in my childhood, i left it behind. and its name was probably 'innocence'. everything becomes complicated. i don't even remember how it's like to be young anymore.

secrets are intoxicating. moments don't happen twice. so you take your memories with you, and you leave the present behind.

love,
hannah