priority: money.

to get lost in words, shut the world out. so tired.

i don't understand why can't we just live in our dysfunction? why must we sort everything out?

money triumphs over everything. for 20 years, i kept trying to defy this statement/concept. i've always believed that there was more to life than just cash, there's more to life than the material gains. prolly why i even chose to be studying social work even when it pays so lowly. but now i know, money can buy happiness. money can buy everything to please everyone. being rich is so much better. i'm so tired of pleasing you, of always being the one to mend back this broken relationship. people say a mother-daughter relationship was something that God gave so dearly. i'm sorry, i don't have that. i never had that. for 20 years i've been hoping for us to find it. but 20 years now, mummy, i give up. i give trying to please you, i give up trying to establish that relationship with you. mummy, i don't expect anything from you anymore. this time, i won't look back when i walk away, i won't regret the things i'm giving up here and now. mummy, i'm finally going to live for myself, i'm finally going to put myself first so you can't hurt me anymore. mummy, thank you for teaching me that money triumphs everything, that money speaks, that money is more important than health. i wish i could see that you cared about me, i really did. maybe in your own ways, but i never felt it. i just thought you should know. mummy, i promise to return every cent you spend on me, i promise, at least for now, besides money, i won't expect anything else from you. forgiveness? mummy, if you're looking for forgiveness, you won't find it here. i curse the day i was born, and i made a vow, a promise to myself, i'll try to forget my birthdate, not something to be celebrated, but to be mourned about. if money was so important to you, why did you have me? why didn't you plan in advance of the things you would have to sacrifice for me. why didn't you think of the consequences when you criticised my every thought/comment. why, why did things end up like this? why couldn't you show me more love? why couldn't you love me in a way i could understand? mummy, the things i don't say, don't mean i don't feel. i'm not emotionless as you'll like to think, i'm not. mummy, the moment when i walk out of the door, forget you've ever had a daughter like me. cause the only news you'll ever hear from me then is when i return you the money i've owed. i could count the times i was down cause of you, but happy? not really. i think, i think... it's time i let go of this relationship. mummy, i hope you're happy now, cause i think, i really think, i'll be happier. thank you for everything, even though it was so pretty. from this day on, when money becomes an issue, i'll just accept it. and when life becomes too hard to bear, i'll throw myself away. well, just thought you should know.

dear God, i don't want to be whole, thank You for trying. i figured i don't have to be whole to survive. so thank You.

love,
hannah