breathe again;

tonight's one of those nights, your heart hurts, your faith runs dry, and you just so much to wrap your arms around your knees and cry so so so hard. to cry for the hurts you've forgotten to exist. how much am i carrying? just how much have i not let go, have i buried in so deep. i'm out of breath, and someday i pray, i'll breathe again.

reading "Lord, I want to be whole" brought me back to the past that i didn't want to remember. instead of proceeding with the journal of the book, i slammed it shut, threw away the thoughts that were bubbling within me. who could say i wasn't alright? but it hurt, it really hurt. i wish i didn't start on it, cause it can't seem to stop, all these feelings, all the forgotten pain. i just want to breathe. want it all to go away. i'm not sure i'll make it through DEW, not sure at all. i've become so uncertain about You. stop, just let me breathe for awhile.

then it came to the roleplaying part in social work, and i realised the role i played, it was everything i felt back then. EVERYTHING. the pain, the rejection, the abandonment, the never good enough, the lack of attention, the need for someone to listen. the series of relationships, the stressors.. they came flooding back. even when tears threatened to fall, i laughed, laughed as though the acting was so awkward, when everything was real. everything within me, i haven't let go. what should i do now? where should i head to now?

gaining that distance from some friends you used to be so closed to, and that's what hurts most i guess. because you've invested so much time and effort into it, and some time along the way, you would expect them to be the same for you. but that's never true. expectations, disappointments. painful painful. life at its best, i guess. everything falls apart as all these come together. they forget you, they forget the moments, and it becomes nothing.

cause even the sane centre is driving me insane. when change comes, everything is overturned. escape.

i'll breathe again, in time to come, i would.

just.. where are You now? oh wait, i don't think i'm even deserving to ask of that question. right. sorry. rejection at its best, too.

love,
hannah