her own fairytale;

this scene keeps playing in my mind, even though it doesn't mean anything to me. sometimes, i wish my love life was a drama, with its own happily ever afters. but fairytales don't exist, true love does.

-

Laughing with her group of friends under the blue skies, sharing little secrets, dancing to the tune inside her head. She was alive; right here, right now. Sunlight in her hair, reflecting different hues of brown, and blonde. There wasn't a care in the world - time was waiting for her, and she was aware of it. It was hers to keep, to give, to bask in and nothing else mattered. Like a child, she found her innocence, embedded and intertwined among her heartstrings. "Live, love, laugh", she thought to herself, "this is it! I've found it, after searching for forever!"

Yet, out of the blue, she found him, looking at her, speaking with eyes she thought she wouldn't see again. That longing, that overwhelming love she know he once had for her. Her mended heart with threads were coming loose, she was loosing her grip on life, losing the sound of laughter, the melody in her head turned to minor chords. Taken aback, she tried to stop that dam of emotions waiting to gush out. The emergency button was pushed, walls came up, guards placed right along the walls alert in defensive mode, wanting to see if they needed to go into offensive. Grabbed her bag, she started to turn away. "Walk away", she told herself, "walk away. It'll be okay." Three steps ahead and that familiar touch around her wrist stopped her straight.

"Stay", he whispered amongst the crowd, amongst her friends that were still rooted to where they were. "Stay, please. Listen to me, won't you?"

"Let go of me," she breathed, barely heard, "let go of me, let me go." Determined not to cry, not to look back to what she once had and lost, she swallowed that bubble of tears that were forcing their way up her throat and down her cheeks. Still, in her heart that silent voice whispered, "Don't, don't let me go. Don't forget the love we shared, don't!" But even as her heart pleaded with him in another realm, she felt the grip on her wrist loosen. She knew then, he wouldn't fight for her, as much as she wanted him to, he wouldn't see past her words to her heart.

She closed her eyes, said a little prayer and walked away with memories and tears. Because right there and then, she knew that was what she was going to carry with her.

And she whispered, "I love you, always had, always will."

-

hahah, not bad right? heheeh, dramas of my life. and no, it's not in relation to me, so don't think too much! busy week ahead! so.. kudos! :)

love,
hannah

held;

somewhere out there, i know now, a bigger world exist, a greater destiny awaits.

i'm gonna be just fine, with You by my side.

love,
hannah

heartstrings;

so i decided to take a little breather from trying to process so much SEA information. no idea what compelled me to take this mod. but.. oh well. oh, and read at your own discretion. it's prolly gonna be a long post of.. narcissism.

recently, i realised i like to have conversations with myself more often than i do with anyone else. somehow, being on my own (not eating meals alone though!) has become something that i'm really comfortable with. the lack of a company's presence/silence doesn't bother me as much as it did before. i've stopped talking so much, stopped trying to make people feel comfortable. these few days, i have conversations with myself, leave the awkward atmosphere hanging and close out the world around me. it feels as though there isn't a need for me to participate with what's around me, no need to drain my energy to speak, and all i wanna do is just keep silent in my thoughts. but i wonder how long that's sustainable :/ i mean, eventually, there'll come a time when i need to speak, to talk, about meaningless things, redundant, mindless conversations. and i question myself so frequently now, like, what am i thinking? why do i think the way i think? why do i feel the way i feel? hahah, maybe it's the social worker in me. maybe not.

so i told God i was tired today. i told Him i don't think i'll ever fulfill His destiny for me. i told Him i'm never gonna be a child that He can be proud of. and i asked, if i could just give up now. maybe i'm just not up for it. maybe i believed in a lie that i was made to be a conquerer, that this season was victory's call. i could feel Him knocking on the door of my heart, but i closed Him out. i closed Him out because i'm not sure i could bear His reply. but He left a note outside, saying, "I'll be waiting, always be waiting, with open arms." and i know somehow out there, He's still waiting. i should let Him in, shouldn't i? yet, i don't want to. i'm tired, really tired. notions of failure cloud my mind, and i'm not sure i'll even get passed it. to do my honours, get a scholarship.. all these were my heart's desire before entering uni, but now, where i am, i realised i can't. can't attain a single goal at all. even minoring in soci seems like such a far cry. i don't think i can make it, i don't think i'll ever succeed. no, i've come to a point of accepting it's no longer an issue with faith - that God is in control. rather, i've come to see, i'm just not made out for this.. for life. and i just have to be okay with that. i don't want to try to struggle with my goals anymore, admitting defeat seems such an easier task, a more attainable feat. perhaps then, i've always been destined to be a failure, to be a disappointment to the ones around me. yeah, just maybe. no, i don't think i'm sad, so don't try to comfort me. i'm just.. resigned.

so many doubts, so many insecurities, million of adequacies. no, don't quote me bible verses, i don't need it. don't tell me i'm more than who/what i believe myself to be, i don't need that either. what i need, is to be able to come to terms with myself, to accept myself for who i am - flawed. i'm not asking fro your sympathy, or your pity, for that matter. just a listening ear, to try to comprehend what i'm getting at, also, at my obvious imperfect logic that i'm trying to reason now. sigh. all these shall come to a standstill now. i'm.. tired? oh wells, i'm lacking for a better word, aren't i?

a part of me died in my childhood, i left it behind. and its name was probably 'innocence'. everything becomes complicated. i don't even remember how it's like to be young anymore.

secrets are intoxicating. moments don't happen twice. so you take your memories with you, and you leave the present behind.

love,
hannah

all that you are;

beautiful, broken and alive in my heart

i remember You once asked me, "if I call you, will you go?" i kept saying yes to You, thinking, that's the normal response others would give right? i mean, what, was i supposed to say no when i kept saying i wanted to be used? i never thought You'll send me though. there i was, having a spiritual life that fluctuates madly during the different seasons of my life. there were times i felt so dry i just wanted to give up. others, on a spiritual high i could just sing Your praises aloud and nothing mattered. but i realised now what it means to live for You, what it means to answer Your call wholeheartedly - despite and in spite of my situations, my emotions and my inadequacies, to know full well You're in control and continue to nurture and build the ones around me to live for You. i know now, that it takes more than time, it takes love, passion and that open heart to answer Your call. and as tiring as it may be, i just want to thank You, thank You for seeing the worth in me when i couldn't. thank You for never giving up on me even though there were times i was so close to giving up on You. thank You, for being You, for being the one true Love i could always count on.

even through this season, when i feel so down, when i feel so discouraged, so uncertain, so tired, i know You are here with me. i know when i'm ready to face my challenges, You'll be beside me and You'll say to me "take My hand, we'll walk through this together. remember, I always keep my promises - I will never leave you, nor forsake you." probably then, i'll be strong enough, brave enough and prepared to face my mountains and giants. perhaps then, most definitely, i'll conquer them.

& He saw me when He was on that cross;

love,

hannah

almost here;

and i fall down on my knees, offering all of me.

dear God, i need You now, need You strong, need You here, here with me. i'm so tired, i don't wanna go through this alone. afraid, am i ever gonna stop feeling afraid? failure, am i ever gonna stop feeling as if i'll fail in everything i do? take me by the hand, tell me it's okay, that everything's gonna be okay.

when i can't trace His hand, i'll find His heart.

love,

hannah

ebbed away;

times like this i think i need another crazy night, just to know i can breathe and that i'm still alive. just so i can sort through my emotions and schedule. but i know time doesn't allow for that, not right now. and when i can finally have a crazy night, i think.. i'll be alone.

on the side note, i have very exciting group mates! :) makes me happy, happy that people as crazy as me exists! hehehe!

off to bathe :)

everything's gonna be alright, alright

we're on the winning side

we have overcomed!

love,

hannah

trust vs distrust;

there i was again tonight,

forcing laughter faking smiles,

same old tired lonely place

i don't think i was particularly upset at the farewell yesterday. sad yes, but there was more than that. walking past people whose loved ones were going miles and miles away from them.. i wonder the mixed of emotions they felt, was it churning endlessly within them, did it hurt their tummies, yet knowing it doesn't change anything? what about the tears? as they stream down their faces, what did they mean? does it convey the message, "don't go, stay, please" to the ones going away?

but i think, whenever someone close to you leaves, they rip out a part of you you didn't know exist within you until it's gone, with them. then that hollow part of you, i wonder what will fill that void eventually. or will the void be filled only after that certain someone comes back and return that piece of you to you? i don't know. and hopefully i pray, i'll never have to know.

another thought - how far do you go to trust someone, let them in to your life, mess with your soul, and later have them pull back away even before your barriers can slam up, shut them out? the consequences of this act results in the same as a goodbye. it rips things within you you never realised existed. and i wonder why people do that. i wonder why people choose to trust someone else entirely only to have themselves torn apart at the end of it. i ask myself that do, and even with my issues of trust, i know i still let people in and have them walk away. and it hurts. it'll hurt, then it'll turn to anger & finally, you come to terms with it that you're just not that important for the person you naively choose to trust.

so let's do everyone a favor. if and when someone allows us into their lives, always remember it's a privilege, it's an honour, it's not something for you to play with. and if you figure having the person trust you is too much of a burden, don't prod too much in their lives. cause when they trust you, when they really trust you, every question you ask will be answered. even the deepest and most painful ones. so don't, don't just walk away at the end of the day.

so maybe that's why i was pissed last night. because even though i realised something changed within the week, i didn't know why. but now i see it so clearly, so surely.

but i'm okay, i'll always be okay.

have a great week ahead friends! :)

love,

hannah

fear;

times like these, i feel afraid. it's like the kind of fear that squeezes your heart, chokes you, and you just can't find a logical explanation for it, or when you're even feeling that way.

secretly regretting the mods i've chosen, not for sw, but the rest. :/ i cannot express just how much i hate group works. but it's okayyyyy, i'll get through it.

maybe it's just cause i'm feeling so sick that i just want to die :/

sigh

hannah