trust vs distrust;

there i was again tonight,

forcing laughter faking smiles,

same old tired lonely place

i don't think i was particularly upset at the farewell yesterday. sad yes, but there was more than that. walking past people whose loved ones were going miles and miles away from them.. i wonder the mixed of emotions they felt, was it churning endlessly within them, did it hurt their tummies, yet knowing it doesn't change anything? what about the tears? as they stream down their faces, what did they mean? does it convey the message, "don't go, stay, please" to the ones going away?

but i think, whenever someone close to you leaves, they rip out a part of you you didn't know exist within you until it's gone, with them. then that hollow part of you, i wonder what will fill that void eventually. or will the void be filled only after that certain someone comes back and return that piece of you to you? i don't know. and hopefully i pray, i'll never have to know.

another thought - how far do you go to trust someone, let them in to your life, mess with your soul, and later have them pull back away even before your barriers can slam up, shut them out? the consequences of this act results in the same as a goodbye. it rips things within you you never realised existed. and i wonder why people do that. i wonder why people choose to trust someone else entirely only to have themselves torn apart at the end of it. i ask myself that do, and even with my issues of trust, i know i still let people in and have them walk away. and it hurts. it'll hurt, then it'll turn to anger & finally, you come to terms with it that you're just not that important for the person you naively choose to trust.

so let's do everyone a favor. if and when someone allows us into their lives, always remember it's a privilege, it's an honour, it's not something for you to play with. and if you figure having the person trust you is too much of a burden, don't prod too much in their lives. cause when they trust you, when they really trust you, every question you ask will be answered. even the deepest and most painful ones. so don't, don't just walk away at the end of the day.

so maybe that's why i was pissed last night. because even though i realised something changed within the week, i didn't know why. but now i see it so clearly, so surely.

but i'm okay, i'll always be okay.

have a great week ahead friends! :)

love,

hannah