heartstrings;

so i decided to take a little breather from trying to process so much SEA information. no idea what compelled me to take this mod. but.. oh well. oh, and read at your own discretion. it's prolly gonna be a long post of.. narcissism.

recently, i realised i like to have conversations with myself more often than i do with anyone else. somehow, being on my own (not eating meals alone though!) has become something that i'm really comfortable with. the lack of a company's presence/silence doesn't bother me as much as it did before. i've stopped talking so much, stopped trying to make people feel comfortable. these few days, i have conversations with myself, leave the awkward atmosphere hanging and close out the world around me. it feels as though there isn't a need for me to participate with what's around me, no need to drain my energy to speak, and all i wanna do is just keep silent in my thoughts. but i wonder how long that's sustainable :/ i mean, eventually, there'll come a time when i need to speak, to talk, about meaningless things, redundant, mindless conversations. and i question myself so frequently now, like, what am i thinking? why do i think the way i think? why do i feel the way i feel? hahah, maybe it's the social worker in me. maybe not.

so i told God i was tired today. i told Him i don't think i'll ever fulfill His destiny for me. i told Him i'm never gonna be a child that He can be proud of. and i asked, if i could just give up now. maybe i'm just not up for it. maybe i believed in a lie that i was made to be a conquerer, that this season was victory's call. i could feel Him knocking on the door of my heart, but i closed Him out. i closed Him out because i'm not sure i could bear His reply. but He left a note outside, saying, "I'll be waiting, always be waiting, with open arms." and i know somehow out there, He's still waiting. i should let Him in, shouldn't i? yet, i don't want to. i'm tired, really tired. notions of failure cloud my mind, and i'm not sure i'll even get passed it. to do my honours, get a scholarship.. all these were my heart's desire before entering uni, but now, where i am, i realised i can't. can't attain a single goal at all. even minoring in soci seems like such a far cry. i don't think i can make it, i don't think i'll ever succeed. no, i've come to a point of accepting it's no longer an issue with faith - that God is in control. rather, i've come to see, i'm just not made out for this.. for life. and i just have to be okay with that. i don't want to try to struggle with my goals anymore, admitting defeat seems such an easier task, a more attainable feat. perhaps then, i've always been destined to be a failure, to be a disappointment to the ones around me. yeah, just maybe. no, i don't think i'm sad, so don't try to comfort me. i'm just.. resigned.

so many doubts, so many insecurities, million of adequacies. no, don't quote me bible verses, i don't need it. don't tell me i'm more than who/what i believe myself to be, i don't need that either. what i need, is to be able to come to terms with myself, to accept myself for who i am - flawed. i'm not asking fro your sympathy, or your pity, for that matter. just a listening ear, to try to comprehend what i'm getting at, also, at my obvious imperfect logic that i'm trying to reason now. sigh. all these shall come to a standstill now. i'm.. tired? oh wells, i'm lacking for a better word, aren't i?

a part of me died in my childhood, i left it behind. and its name was probably 'innocence'. everything becomes complicated. i don't even remember how it's like to be young anymore.

secrets are intoxicating. moments don't happen twice. so you take your memories with you, and you leave the present behind.

love,
hannah