overdued;

truth is, i'm not sure why i'm even at this page, or why i'm even typing this blogspot. maybe it's time to finally get my thoughts in and come to a point of resolution after reflection.

i stepped into 2012 not looking back at 2011 at all. i mean, there are really many quotes/songs/morals etc that say "don't ever look back" now, aren't there? so i tried living by that philosophy. and in doing so, i've been mopping around the pass few days, trying to go back into routine. then i realised something's missing, and i was, indeed, searching for something - closure.

maybe there are reasons why i choose not to look back, maybe cause even looking back, it's not like i can change the past or anything. we can only move forward, to attempt to survive and make it through as victors when we face challenges. isn't that what life is? but the closure i seek seems more than that. a part of me wants to finally confront myself on a few issues. but since they're personal, i'll just cut them all short.

2011 hasn't has its ups, mostly downs. but strangely, it's during the downs and getting out of it when you finally come to a point of satisfaction - i made it through. i'm thankful that God has sustained me through it all, thankful for the people He has placed in my life. but amidst the gratefulness, there is confusion, regret, disappointments, pain, fear and unbelief. the word 'why' resonates so deeply within me it vibrates in the core of my being. i should know better than to question God and His ways, but that doesn't stop me from wanting an answer. the lack of closure boils down to me not being able to attain the answers i need to fully step into the new year without baggages. i carry them daily, try to bury them, take them out when courage steps in, and forced them back in again when i lose the strength. how silly, because the loudest question of them all is: what am i searching for? until now, i don't know.

the lack of closure that stems from this confusion becomes the obstruction to moving on. the word 'victory' was what You have given me for this new year, but as much as i want, yearn and crave for that victory, that unbelieving part of me denies its proclaimation over me. would i finally find victory? i don't know. and because i'm so uncertain, i can't embrace it at all. but for now, whatever it is, i'll live with it, go around it, fight with You and at the same time figure things out.

i'll move on with the utmost principle of my life: i love You, and without You, i am nothing.

so let that be enough.

goodbye 2011, hello 2012.

love,

hannah