in between;

i'm not happy, but i'm not sad either. and i wonder if it's okay to feel like this all the time. yet, at the same time, you know something's missing. that empty void you just can't feel. you're okay with the things around you, you're okay with not feeling anything, but you're just not okay to know there's an emptiness that you have to try to live with. and the worse part? you don't know where that empty void is, or how to fill it. the people around you will say, "give it to God, He'll fill it up, you'll be empty no more". but that's the not the point. i just want to know where the void is, maybe, i have to know.

i thank God for this family, i still continuously do. but i wondered if i've dealt with my past issues that i've kept it hidden for so long. how do you know you've let it go fully? when your heart aches no more when you talk about it? no, i don't think that's ever gonna happen. for every incident, it leaves a mark, a memory, an experience. and you can't just forget that. you're still occasionally gonna feel the squeeze, and the tightness of your chest, the regrets, and the disappointments. you've just come to a point of accepting them, i guess? do you then consider that letting go? can i consider that as letting go?

the past few days have been great :) even remembering them brings a smile to my face and a tingly warmth to my heart. will i ever have those moments again in the days to come? i don't know. maybe then, i'll treasure these moments more, keep them close to my heart. because everytime when i go back to those moments, all of a sudden, nothing else matters. and that seems to be.. enough :)

but for now, where i am, i'm stuck in the in between. still, i'll find my way through them. the days ahead, it's only gonna get harder and i have to prepare myself for them, even though i don't want to. but i will. the can see many events filling up the slots in my organizer. it's strange, it feels exhilarating, yet, i know they're gonna leave me breathless and whiny, even cranky on certain days. but i want it, i want to go beyond myself, to feel the rush, the burn, the depletion. and even if i feel like death, i know i'll be alive. i'll survive. i'm not crazy, i'm just.. me.

i'm running away, and i know it. oh hell.

love,

hannah