articulate;

finally got the time to be on my own, to not have the phones ringing constantly, and for the silence to be loud enough to hear my thoughts. it seems almost as if my soul can breathe at last, can finally be free, can now be me.

been working for 12 days consecutively. i'm drained and really tired. it's almost like.. i don't know. maybe it's here at last that i can finally be truthful, finally find the words to describe what's on my mind and what i'm actually thinking about. maybe it's dealing with the various situations, and the different people that made me see how quickly the world turns cold. and any act of kindness bestowed or gain, is actually pretty much an act of profit, of benefit. maybe that's what scares me. and on the other hand, maybe what really scares me is that my ability to be influenced, that i'm becoming a part of these people; harden hearted, cold and calculative. i stand in horror at the thoughts that fill my mind these few days, thoughts that benefit ONLY ME, how i should put MYSELF first over others, and if should anyone be in trouble, it must never be me. my heart is slowly being hardened, quickly getting use to this manipulative and individualistic society. and what's really wrong about me is that, i actually think it's okay, that it doesn't matter, or no long matters, if i conform or not. that me being different, doesn't really makes a different. so why try so hard to be? frightening, isn't it? yeah, i thought so too.

so where did such thoughts birth from? when you said i had a heart for people. i started to think, started to look back and ponder. i realised, and how it struck me was amazing, that i no longer held the same compassion for people as i used to. kept thinking on that issue and later to find out how my heart is slowly being hardened as i keep company with such people, that i face daily, more so than i do with my family or anyone else now. it's scary i guess. but it's growing up. and even growing up, i musn't forget how the spiritual and physical world actually goes alongside each other. well, guess at the end of the day is a stand that i must take, it's a stand i must choose wisely. what do i want, who do i want to be, and how i can be different today.

dear God, You feel like a million miles away. but i will sing, i will pray.